a different kind of mess

My friend had a rough, rough morning. I'd told my mom about it on the phone, so when the girls and I picked her up in the afternoon, mom asked, "How was Britt when she came over to the house?"

I replied, "A mess."

Audrey says, "A HOT mess."

Obviously I need to watch what I say in front of her.

literacy

Nina's talking on the phone to my mother-in-law, Lynne. Lynne asks her, "What's new with Audrey?" Nina replies, "Her can read."

hate when that happens

Audrey came to me this morning and said seriously, "I lost my mind. I can't remember what I was going to do."

the pretty marble

Sometimes I don't think I can do these stories justice because you just have to be there for some of these. If you know the girls, you can at least picture their usual facial expressions and get what I'm describing, but for those of you who haven't met them - you're kinda missing out. We'll just arrange a playdate with you and them asap so you get a sense of what I'm talking about.

Here's the latest with Audrey:

I'm sitting in the living room, the three girls are running WILD through the house, outside, back into the house, etc. Then I hear giggling upstairs, whining outside. Audrey comes into the living room, tears streaming down her face, and says in a very small, sad voice, "Gracie and Nina left me outside. They're standing at the window upstairs, making faces at me -- like this (she shows me several faces and hand gestures, while crying). I yelled to them that they're not being nice, but they kept laughing. And I couldn't get back inside and my feet were getting really, really cold."

I replied, "You're right, it isn't nice of your sisters to make faces and tease. But were you really stuck outside? I just saw you walk through the door."

Tears subsiding, but still using the tiny voice, she said, "Well, I thought they'd locked it on me and it just made me really sad...but then I found this pretty marble (and the clouds opened up, Angels started singing), and it isn't mind, but can I have it?"

Suddenly all was right in the world. She won an Oscar for Best Actress, for about 5 minutes. Then she got an award for multiple personalities for changing to a new, happy marble-finding kid, immediately after being devastated by her sisters' behavior.

those darn ice cubes

At breakfast, Audrey said, "Do you know the name of that ship from a long time ago that sank when it hit a big ice cube?"

traveling with Brittney

The web site and book "Sh*t My Dad Says" inspired me to keep a journal of sh*t Britt said on our recent trip to Vegas.

For those of you who don't know Britt, allow me to introduce you to her:

this was as big as I could make the picture - sad, I know

As you can see, she's a blonde beauty. She's also witty, hilarious, talented, and a math nerd. She's also five months pregnant, which made her the perfect travel mate for me. I make frequent bathroom stops, I love to eat, and I turn into a pumpkin at midnight. We were a match made in heaven for this trip.

Now, on to the stuff Britt said over our 3-day excursion...

Upon seeing our pilots at the check-in counter:
"Oh, good, one pilot has grey hair. He's experienced."

About 4 feet away from me, as I'm showing my I.D. to the guard at the security check-in:
"Andy, you brought your point-and-shoot, right?" (My eyes got wide, the guard looked at me and quickly realized if we were dumb enough to call a gun a point-and-shoot, we were probably harmless...nonetheless, I asked Britt to use the word camera in the future)

As we were boarding the plane from Pasco:
"Oh, even better, one of the pilots is bald."

On the flight to Vegas:
"Awww...maybe I'll have just one more (baby). I LOVE being pregnant." (I roll my eyes and tell her I'll remind her of that in 3 months when she's miserable)

While having a nice dinner, we talk about the issue of sending back food that isn't to your liking, and Britt says about her husband:
"Blake could have a sock in the middle of his plate and he'd just eat around it, not wanting to sending it back for fear he'd hurt someone's feelings."

While walking/talking/texting on her cell phone, she falls in the middle of a crowded hallway (remember, she's prego--and she's carrying a tiny handbag that has my phone, our credit cards, I.D.s, etc.):
(On her hands and knees, looking shocked...) "Oh no, I hope I didn't break your cell phone, Andy!"

On the flight home:
(groaning) "Ugh. I HATE being pregnant. I'm so uncomfortable...I need to go throw up." (Like a good friend, I reminded her it was just 2 days earlier that she was "glowing" about pregnancy)


LOVE YOU B!!!!!

countries get some fruit

Audrey said to me yesterday, "Some countries got three tomatoes."

I made a confused face and said, "I don't get it. Why only three tomatoes?"

Audrey's friend, Loni, was sitting next to her. Loni leaned over and said, "TORNADOES...not tomatoes."