celebrating all days

As I put the girls to bed Christmas night, I said, "It was a really nice Christmas, wasn't it, girls?" They both said sleepily, "Yeah."

Nina added, "Happy Mother's Day, Mom."

Frow up

All Auddie wanted for Christmas was an Easy Bake (and a Pillow Pet). As she stirred the mixture to her first dessert for the non-oven, she said with a serious face, "Kinda looks like frow (throw) up, but a bit different."

Who wants a plate of goodies from our house?

3 kids, 2 parents, 1 cat, and an elf in a tree

Michael and I have watched 3 variety shows (by the girls) since we've all been home together this week.

The first show was the Grace Show. Her sisters were her minions, which they don't mind being if they like their assignments. Nina was the announcer. "Umm...so...we're gonna have a show in five and half of a minute." Audrey was in charge of props, lighting and music. Speaking of music, Michael and I briefly thanked God for CDs rather than tapes because there is a lot of starting and stopping during these performances. If the girls had to rewind, it'd take all night.

During Grace's dance number, we saw two costume changes. We often saw only the back of her, however, because she was watching herself dance in the reflection on the TV.

The second and their shows were tonight. Grace was in charge of choreography, music and overall directing. When I entered the theater (our office), there was a curtain (pink blanket) draped over my desk, with Audrey & Nina hidden underneath.

Grace fired up the music via YouTube (we were impressed)--a semi-peaceful, then violent rendition of a song I hear every year in the Nutcracker. Audrey and Nina not-so-gracefully crawl out from underneath the desk and present themselves in dramatic poses. Audrey has a small smile, Nina is dead serious. They're each in dress-up ballet-like outfits with headpieces with long streamers. There's a lot of twirling and Nina falls twice. Each time, however, she pops back up as if nothing happened (as Grace laughs uncontrollably while she also tries to direct). The show ended with an embrace by the ballerinas.

The final show was a play, of sorts. Grace gave a monologue at the beginning. There was a fairy (Audrey) who met a doll (Nina), and the fairy turned the doll into a person. It was moving.

Auddie the Angel

Auddie was an adorable angel in today's Christmas program at Christ the King. But before the play began, she did a reading during mass. Tough to see her above the big podium.

When I asked her later if she was nervous, she said, "Yeah, but I was proud of myself."

a few little funnies

Audrey gets in the car after school and I ask, "Where are your gloves?" She stammers, "Um...somewhere." Nina pipes up with, "Tell the truth Audrey. You lost them."

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We're in the Starbucks drive thru and Nina's getting impatient. She says, "Duuuuuude...moooove..." to the car in front of us.

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At the bank drive thru (catching a theme here of drive thrus?), no one is at the window, so I wait patiently. Nina rolls down her window and starts saying loudly, "Hu-llo. Hu-llooooo."

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Nina: "Mom, can I use your spy cam?"
Me: "I have a cell phone with a camera, but not a spy cam. Where did you hear that, anyway?"
Nina: Phineas and Ferb.

let's talk about holes, shall we?

Nina's sitting in the bathtub, looking thoughtful, when she says, "Hey! There's a hole back there!"

Fastforward a couple of weeks to today and I ask her to get out of the tub. She's sitting there and she says, "Wait, there's something in my bum."

"Leave it," I say, "We'll wipe when you get out."

"No! It's pointy," she replies.

Oh geez.

git 'er done

I've blogged about Michaels' craftiness with glue, and now I'd like to add tape to that list of preferred fixer-upper supplies. Came home to this:

Charming, isn't it?

the audrey turner show

Audrey and the girls are playing an awesome winter blues game called "How long can we stay in the playroom in our fort?" Michael and I think it's the best game they've ever come up with. I served them lunch and cookies and they've been up there for at least 3 hours. Then Audrey came to the top of the stairs...

As she throws herself on the ground and starts to sloooowly slide on her butt down the stairs, she whines, "Gracie won't let me sleep in the same spot. I have to move to a light spot. I don't want that spot. It's. Not. Fair!"

Michael and I hide our laughter and begin to twirl dramatically and say, "It's the Judy Miller Show!" Audrey gets ticked and crosses her arms. If you haven't already seen the SNL skit The Judy Miller Show, check it out. As much as Ramona is Audrey, so is Judy Miller.

Audrey's views on loooong ago

Audrey was staring at a clock in our living room.

"Mom, there's something interesting about this clock. Those aren't really numbers." I replied, "Those are Roman numerals. They were used a long time ago." After thinking about it she said, "Ooooooh...like a looong time ago? Like in the 1970s?" I said, "No, way before that." She said with confidence, "Oh, you mean like when they wore long, dirty clothes, right?"

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In the car, Audrey says, "Did you know that a looong time ago people didn't even have any food to eat? They only had fish and other gross things to eat."

dinner talk

Last night at dinner it was just me and the girls. With her mouth half-full of spaghetti, Audrey asked thoughtfully, "If you toot, would it push your baby out?"

Me: Um, no.

remember how I said Auddie is a great Catholic school girl?

Here's a picture Audrey drew today... please be impressed by the detail.

Red arrow - Jesus on the cross
Blue arrow - Father Champeaux
Orange arrow - Me holding two glasses of wine (no, not because of last weekend, Kayte & Mike Denslow) - for communion (never taken it, but Audrey doesn't know that, nor do we need to answer those questions right now)

I also love that she refers to the alter boys/girls as "the workers."

dinner with the Turners - worse than being at Chuck E. Cheese on a sat night

In general, Michael and I loathe weekday dinners. Over the past 5 years, we've turned into the parents we didn't think we'd be--making different meals for our kids.

Audrey has a gag reflex from hell and Nina's just a pill. To be fair, though, I should mention that they do have individual tastes and we know this because they have actually ventured outside of the nugget bubble.

For example, Audrey likes carrots and turkey sandwiches with mayo. Thin, deli-sliced turkey. Too thick and she'll gag and wrinkle her nose. Or if it's good turkey - like the kind I'm craving as Thanksgiving gets closer -- she starts to have a conniption fit at the thought of eating it.

Nina, unlike Audrey, enjoys rice. White rice, brown rice, gross rice, whatever. And they both eat tons of fruit, so there's hope.

But last week it occurred to me that we're just two weeks out from Thanksgiving at my in-laws. I'm almost certain they think I'm an angel and #1 Mom, but to be sure, I wanted to get the kiddos eating an actual grownup meal with us on this special day.

So, as of last week, the girls eat what we eat - every meal. Now, we don't eat caviar, liver, salmon, or anything even remotely exotic, so it isn't like we're torturing the kids. But tonight, you would have thought I was feeding Audrey a two-day old, smelly egg salad sandwich when I put a GRILLED CHEESE sandwich in front of her.

Gagging, plugging of the nose...cries of "I'm gonna throw up! I'm serious!"

Nina, on the other hand, was Eddie Haskel and kept saying, "Audrey, I'm eating it. See....it's good for you, Audrey. Stop being a baby...I'm gonna get a treat....I'm not gonna throw up..." and so on, and so forth.

I was sitting with a napkin over my face because I was so frustrated I wanted to scream and Michael, bless his heart, just kept at it with Audrey...encouraging her every step of the way.

She finally did eat the bloody sandwich, but not without Nina serenading us with, "Mary had a little man, little man, little man..." At least it gave us something to chuckle about.



Anyone wanna join us for dinner this weekend?

Ramona is Audrey. Audrey is Ramona.

Michael took Grace and Auddie to Ramona and Beezus when it was in theaters this summer. To my surprise, Michael really liked it -- even got teary (but don't tell him I told you).

I bought the movie this week and we declared today Family Movie Night, complete with a concession stand. The Turner girls worked hard at the setup (see below). Nina said popcorn was "40 bucks" and Audrey wanted to sell "Indian headbands" for $20. Not a bad deal. Grace was the more reasonable merchant and she sold us 5 movie tix for 50 cents.

 

I was looking forward to the movie because we've said for several years that Audrey reminds us of Ramona the Pest. I didn't expect to cry nearly eight times during the movie, but it was so Audrey.

*Ramona's nickname is Pickle. Audrey's is Noodle.

*Ramona likes to wear firefighter boots to school. Audrey likes to wear a feather in her headband so she looks like the Indians she's been learning about.

*Ramona tries to do the right thing, but somehow it turns out badly and she ends up in trouble.

I love when Ramona is presenting to the class and she says they have a big hole in their house. No one believes her, including the teacher, and she's asked to sit down before she gets to finish. That's Audrey, and it reminded me to slow down and listen closer to her stories that seem outrageous because there's likely more truth than fiction in them.

An example: In the first month of school, she told me the kindergartners didn't have to go on the Friday of Sausage Fest. I didn't believe her, didn't check the school calendar. Dropped her off that morning and got as far as Starbucks when the school secretary called to tell me the kindergartners didn't have school...and that Audrey was just coloring in the office, waiting for me. When I picked her up, she looked at me and said, "I told you so, didn't I?" She wasn't rubbing it in, she was just being matter-of-fact. It was a lesson learned for me.

I'm so thankful for my Audrey--antics and all. She, like Ramona, can teach us all a few things.

saints and other important figures

As I was driving Auddie home from school today she started another uncomfortable religious conversation with me. It's uncomfortable because I don't know how to answer her questions. She doesn't know that I actually study the little religious workbook sheets she brings home so that I can be somewhat intelligent about it.

So she says, "Do you know what Saints are?"
Me: Yes
Auddie: ....like St. Patrick...and St. Lucy...and St. Margo...
Me: Um, sure. (verified later with Michael that there is no Lucy or Margo in the lineup)
Auddie: ...and the Tooth Fairy.
Me: Well, yes.

growing up

Nina said to me this week, "I already had a granola bar for breakfast, but it only made me grow to here (she puts her hand to the top of her head)...maybe I need to grow with pancakes so I can get here (puts her hand high in the air).

lesson learned

I pulled into the garage today and saw that Nina had a bloody nose. She was milking the attention as I took off her shirt, assuming she needed to cool down, etc. Then she said in a sad, sad voice, "Well, maybe I picked my boogers a lot..."

spirit fingers

We took the girls to a Bombers football game two weeks ago. The cheerleaders were handing out flyers for a cheer camp--the younger Turner girls were all over it. I asked Grace if she wanted to go and I got the non-committal, almost-teen shrug, scrunched nose and "sure," which I interpreted as "only if you make me." So, it was up to Auddie & Nina to leave the Turner imprint on the cheer squad.


We brought along Audrey's friend, Faith, and at first the three girls stood off to the side of the 75+ group of girls. Ages ranged from pre-k to 5th grade. Our girls were among the smallest. Audrey didn't get to use her hands for at least half an hour because Nina had a death grip on one of them.

As soon as the cheerleaders put the kids in small groups, that's when the Turners really started to shine. And by shine I mean become their usual high-maintenance selves, mixed with a little bit of cheer.

In the first 45 minutes, Nina took 5 water and 3 bathroom breaks. Pretty normal day for us, but a bit shocking to the cheerleaders, I'm sure. And thank goodness the camp was 4 hours long because it took Audrey and Faith about 2 hours to really warm up to things.

During the two hour warmup, amidst Nina's "breaks," Audrey came over to tell me that a scratch on her face she got days ago from Fredo "really, really itches and it's just driving me crazy!" Suck it up, friend, you're a cheerleader for a day. The Faith had something bugging her in a part of her shoe. Fixed that. Then Audrey's tummy hurt. "I mean, I had a juice and two cookies at snack, but my tummy is growling...I'm starving!" Again, suck it up.

Now you're probably wondering what the girls were actually learning during this time. They observed a lot of "spirit fingers" -- "a valuable tool," said Michael. They learned a cheer about how hot their team was, and they learned to shake their booty. For those of you who already know my girls, all of these things were right up their alley.
Here's the thing: THEY STOOD THERE DOING NOTHING WHEN THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING SOMETHING WITH THEIR GROUP. They were mesmerized, I guess.

As I walked Nina to one of her bathroom breaks, I asked what her favorite part was so far... "Well, that boy lifted that girl with the sharp teeth." I did not ask follow-up questions.

So our cheer camp ended with a bang. Nina marched herself up with the cheer squad when they were being introduced by their coach. She was so small amongst them that I don't think anyone really noticed. Then during the performance for the parents, Audrey demonstrated that she's really only ever one beat behind everyone else -- not three beats, as I previously thought.

Enjoy the mini videos.

when crap happens (again)

Today was one of those days when I cried to Michael when he got home. I also sent him a variety of manic text messages throughout the day -- some with cute, funny pictures of Nina's wardrobe of the day (see below), others with a WTF connotation because I just can't believe the chain of events that can happen in the day of the life as a stay-at-home (but rarely at home) mom. Here's an example:

Nina and I go to lunch with Britt & Brax. Nina refuses to eat any of her lunch, makes me pinky-swear (literally) that it "tastes good" before she even tries a bite. It's KRAFT MACARONI & CHEESE at a restaurant. (And it's the best damn mac & cheese I've ever tasted, in case you're wondering.) We leave the restaurant with her throwing a temper tantrum (thanks for tolerating B&B!).We get in the car, she screams for 5 minutes, then is out cold for a brief nap.

I have to kill some time before we pick up Audrey, so we got to Fred Meyer (here's where it gets fun). I have to go to the bathroom -- too much iced tea at lunch -- but Nina is still sleeping. I planned to just lay her in the cart on a coat, but I know the Freddy's plush restrooms can't fit a cart. Pickle #1. I leave our cart parked outside the bathrooms. Nina's over my shoulder, drooling in her sleep. I wedge us into a stall (can't use the handicrapper--thanks MT for that clever one--because it isn't presentabl). I hang my purse on the hook and then glance down to see if I dare set Neens on the floor. No can do.

I hold her nearly 30 pound body in one arm and undo my pants one-handed. Then I sit with her on my lap, go quickly, wipe, miss getting the t.p. into the toilet (oh-so-glad I didn't set her down on the floor), get pants back up one-handed, flush with foot, grab purse, and head out to wash hands (also a challenge). I'm feeling pretty darn proud of myself at this point. Sign me up for a multi-tasking competition, por favor.

Now I'll fast-forward to waiting in the parking lot of Audrey's school, about 30 min later. We have 25 minutes to kill so Nina's in the back eating nuggets and I'm surfing the net on my bberry. Nina toots LOUDLY twice. She giggles, I glare and ask her to excuse herself. Then she says "I need to potty real bad."

For those of you who know Nina, she ALWAYS has to go potty. It's her favorite pasttime, so I don't always hop to it when she tells me to. But I think back to 5 minutes earlier with the toot-o-rama and we jump out of the car and run into the church office where I know they have a bathroom (because we've used it umpteem times).

I close the door, turn Nina around and pull down her tights. Out falls a teeny turd.

I was so shocked that I wasn't sure, at first, what it was. She never indicated that anything actually happened in her drawers. I said, "Nina! What's going on? You peed and pooped your pants? Why didn't you tell me?" She shrugged her shoulders and said, "I didn't know I did. Sorry." Then she began a 10 minute sing-song about "so happy Christmas is almost here." I stripped her down, gave strict instructions not to let the wind catch her dress while we were outside getting Audrey, and off we went.

Now it's 3:00 and I have a brief shoot at 3:45 at the park -- and the girls have to come with me. I can't take nearly-naked-Nina, so we dash to Freddy's again to buy some new clothes. Made it to the shoot with 5 minutes to spare and Audrey even got an outfit out of the deal.

And what did I get out of the deal? A tasty hard cider and a box of rice a roni at the end of the day.

the glue that binds

Michael thinks glue fixes most problems. Door knob fall off? Glue the sucker on. Toilet paper holder jiggle? Glue it. Got an awesome patch that you want on a shirt? Glue it, of course. And, last but not least, even if you have a tear in the butt cheek of your trousers...Michael will offer that glue can make it all better.

So it came as no surprise when Audrey told me today after school, "Mom, Madison lost a shiny thing on her shoe. It fell off. She still has it, though, and I told her my dad was a really good gluer. Don't you think he's the right person to fix it, Mom? I can have Madison's mom write a note and send her shoe home with me for Dad to fix."

No loyalty or just following the rules?

Audrey learned about house fires today at school. The mobile burning home was brought in and the firefighters talked about stop, drop & roll, etc. The part Audrey retained best, however, was this...

"Mom! Most important. If you leave something in the house, DON'T GO BACK AND GET IT. Like, if you leave Nina, don't worry about it. Leave her. DON'T GO BACK AND GET HER."

When illness strikes...

It's been a while since I blogged. Or at least it feels that way. I'm on my second week of illness, but each of the two weeks has been a cornucopia of symptoms, keeping me on my toes.

Last week's illness is a funny story now, but it wasn't last Wednesday when I was in the fetal position on the floor with "happy" stickers on my bathrobe.

The day started like any other weekday -- me running around like a chicken with my head cut off, the girls either chasing me to ask questions or completely ignoring me as they sit zombie-like in front of the t.v.

As I drove Audrey to school, my stomach started to really hurt. Not. Good. I practically shoved her out the door so I could get home...certain that if I could lie down for a few minutes, I'd feel better.

First I called to cancel my dental appt for later that morning. The receptionist sounded skeptical of my last-minute excuse, but if she saw me at the exact time I was to be in their office, she would have insisted I remain at home.

Nina and I get back home and I lay on the couch, stomach cramping. I can't tell if I'm gonna puke, but I know the pains aren't from hunger (I actually hadn't eaten anything, but that also helped me rule out food poisoning). I tell Nina that I can't take her to school because I'm too sick. She barely looks at me because it's a critical moment on Curious George.

I decide to crawl into the kitchen to mix ginger and water. It's the nasty cocktail Michael always makes me when my stomach is upset and I know it'll either settle the stomach or make me barf. I'll take either at this point. So I get down the box 'o medical goodies, but now my stomach hurts so much that I have to lie down on the kitchen floor. I'm on my side, trying to get comfortable. Fetal position seems best. Tummy rumbles, I feel like I'm about to get relief...then...BAM!

I crapped my pants.

Let me rephrase that...I firehose sprayed my jeans with soupy poopy. Worst. Feeling. Ever.

So now I crawl furiously to the bathroom. Nina's still watching George. Now, this part becomes a little fuzzy because I'm not entirely sure I didn't blackout at some point. I think it was a combination of the smell, pain and downright horrific realization at what just happened and I still have a 3 year old to care for.

After what feels like an eternity, I crawl half-naked to the bedroom where I put on fresh undies. So now I'm wearing athletic socks, boy short undies and a t-shirt. The chills begin to hit me so I grab my robe from the bed. (It's important now to note that the robe was a gift from my hubby. It resembles an Easter egg because it's white, powder blue, pink and light green...striped.). My outfit just went from bad to worse.

I yell for Nina and ask her to find a phone and bring it to me. She obeys like a good little 3 year old and runs back to her t.v. I call Michael, no answer. I call his cell, no answer. I need help. Pain is awful, so wiped I can't stand...praying Nina doesn't need anything any time soon. I know Mom's driving to Spokane, dad's out of town, Jaime doesn't answer her cell. I don't want to call anyone with kids because they won't want to come to the house. I don't want to call my brother because I left a haze of poo in the other bathroom and I'm certain you can smell it from the front door.

That's when I start crying and Nina kneels beside me. "You want me to call 911?"

Me: Oh god, no, thanks honey. If you do that, I'll have to crawl to the door like this. I'll just keep trying to call Dad.

I tried again 5 times and finally get him. I don't elaborate on the situation. Rather, I whimper and tell him to get home pronto. I hang up and Nina brings me a cup of water (bless her) and covers me with her baby's blankets. Then she sits next to me and pats my back.

Michael shows up, takes one look around and asks, "What's going on?" I reply, "Um, I'm sick." He makes me the ginger stuff, I barf many times, crawl into bed and sleep for 4 hours.

During this time, my dear hubby cleans the other bathroom (including the grotesque clothes that I would have THROWN AWAY). When I wake up, I notice little stickers on my bathrobe. "Nina? Did you put these on me?" She replies, "Yep. So they make you happy."

Love that kid.

it wasn't exactly "eye of the tiger" skating action

Friday after school was Audrey's first skating party with CK. She's still too young to experience the anticipation of cruising around the dimly lit rink, looking oh-so-cool, jammin' to eye of the tiger and thinking about who your partner will be for the slow skate.

Rollarena

I had this anticipation. Shooting the duck wasn't really my thing, but my childhood crush was a fantastic duck shooter so I'd root him on from behind the wall -- my glow bracelets waving in the air. Yep, glow bracelets.

So when Audrey put on the classic brown, stained skates, I was excited for her. She did the classic Audrey spaz move, "Look Mom, I can do this!" and promptly found herself face down on the carpet where she put on her skates. Michael half-joked that she really should wear a helmet, to which I replied, "Do you want her to be the outcast of her school?"

Roller Girl


The silver lining on our skate cloud was that I could walk around the rink--no skates required. I had Audrey on my right, hanging on for dear life as her legs did a constant scissor kick. Nina was on my left, wearing the tiniest skates I'd ever seen. She was doing far better than her spaz sis.

Nina's skate next to nieces'

It took us 7 minutes to get around the rink once. I cringed as eager kids went down around us...the ones who clung to the wall, scooting themselves around, but when the wall ran out and they faced the valley of death space to the next wall, their legs go in different directions and they land hard.

Thankfully, my sister, nieces and nephew showed up. Misery loves company. She took her 7 min walk around the rink with Tony. Then my awesome nieces took Audrey off of my hands and helped her back out on the floor.

All in all, it was a successful first skate party. I'm sure there are many more in my future. Maybe, just maybe...if the kids are lucky...I'll don a pair of those kick-ass skates and show them my moves. But only if Eye of the Tiger is blaring.

a clean one

At the pumpkin patch today, Audrey says, "I don't want a dirty one. I want a clean pumpkin." I replied, "They grow in dirt, Auddie, they'll all have dirt on them." Then I added offhandedly, "Wash it off when we get home."

And that's exactly what she did.

I got the pumpkins out of the car (ended up with 7 because i didn't realize Nina was adding pumpkins to the wagon while I waited for the worker to come out and weigh our load) and Audrey grabbed a nice dish towel and a bowl of water and scrubbed every single one.

she's gaga for my jeans

It's always risky to take your child into a dressing room.

When Grace was 5, I took her when I tried on bathing suits. Not a brilliant idea. She told me, "That looks good. You look like my teacher."

I didn't buy a bathing suit that evening.

Then in a dressing room with Audrey, she asks many questions (loudly) about my bra, panties, etc. Why I chose those colors, why my panties are different than hers, etc.

And so it was Nina's turn to humiliate me.

I had 7 pair of jeans hanging up. I put on the first...she shrugged her shoulders and said her new favorite phrase, "That's fine."

I try on the second pair, twirl for her. She makes a dramatic face and says, "You look like Lady Gaga."

I scrapped the gaga jeans and went for a different pair.

the conversation that wouldn't end

Nina and I are in the car, spending our typical Thursday together. It's 7 solid hours of her asking me questions until we pick up Audrey from school...and then both ask questions. Here's how today's frustrating conversation went:

Me: Nina, we're going to Maurices really fast so I can get some jeans.
Nina: Who's Mareesa?
Me: No, it's Maurices. It's a store.
Nina: Does her house have a bathroom?
Me: It's not a person's house and no, the store does not have a bathroom.
Nina: What's her name?
Me: (now getting really irritable) Whose name?
Nina: Her name. The place where you get jeans.
Me: IT'S NOT A PERSON, NINA! It's a STORE.
Nina: Who gonna pay for it?
Me: (silence. turn up radio)

What's funnier?

This CEOoftheCircus' first ever game of What's Funnier? Here goes...

1) That Michael uses a Dora the Explorer cup as his drinking vessel after brushing his teeth

OR

2) That Nina offhandedly told us (after Michael had been using the cup for days) that she'd been giving Fredo drinks of water out of the same cup

HA!

SPONGE. BOB. SQUAREPANTS...and Patrick

As some of you may have read in the Tricycle Herald, the voice of SpongeBob and Patrick visited the Tri-Cities today. He made a pitstop at Christ the King school, of all places.

Audrey was thrilled.

She excitedly told us about how he talked to her class...and then spoke over the intercom before school got out, but she couldn't remember what he said--just that it was funny. Then tonight, as I sat next to her bed, she said, "Isn't it so cool that the guy who does Patrick's voice was at our school?" I replied, "Yeah." Then she said (with dramatic arm movements), "But he wasn't dressed like Patrick (wouldn't that have been fun). He wore a handsome suit instead. It had squirrels on the shirt."  Yes, that sounds handsome.

PB and a horse

Audrey's a horse in an upcoming kindergarten play. She says matter-of-factly tonight, "This boy, whose name is Justin, is a horse, too. He always has peanut butter on him."

morning breath

Nina said to me, "You smell good, Mom. 'Cept for your breath."

911

Last week at preschool, Nina learned all about calling 911 if there's a fire. As she talked about it this morning with Auddie, I said, "You dial 911 in any emergency, Nina. Like, if Mom is hurt and can't call, you can dial 911." She responds solemnly, "Well, I don't really have a phone, Mom."

dinnertime

Michael and the girls are eating dinner (I'm at a shoot). Nina bails and says she's done - with everything still on her plate. Michael uses the ice cream threat (we're all going out for ice cream, if you don't eat your dinner you don't get any...). And Audrey adds, "and if you get hungry, you'll just have to eat rocks."

the fashion show that's more like a variety show

Nina and Audrey were hard at work tonight, for 10 minutes, preparing for a fashion show for us. Nina shouted from the top of the stairs, "Andrea & Michael Turner. Andrea & Michael Turner...the fashion show is ready to start." We went in shifts because if you go together, you're stuck for twice the amount of time.

Michael went first and got a heartfelt rendition of "Anyway you want it," by Audrey and the Glee cast.

Then it was my turn and I take better notes of what transpires.

First they turn off the lights. Then they cross themselves (Father, Son & Holy Spirit -- thank you CK). Then Nina disappears and Audrey announces, "Thank you for coming to observe our show. Please keep the lights off and no drinks allowed" (I'm holding a glass of wine, so I take the last sip and politely put the glass away).

Nina enters wearing skull leggings, plaid skirt, Halloween shirt, cardigan and sunglasses on her head. The CD is now on a slow song, so Nina begins her interpretive dance that is suprisingly graceful.

Now it's Auddie's turn. Nina gives two announcements about the show and then goes to the CD player to start a new song. After a few seconds she says, "Ugh...how do you WORK this thing?" So the audience (me) helps out.

Audrey saunters in wearing an all pink outfit with a satin blanket draped over her shoulders. She flings off the blanket and shakes her hips, walks to the couch to grab an accessory (a big hair thing to fling around with her fingers, which ultimately ends up sailing into the TV) and eventually wraps up her dance number. I muffled my laugh with my illegal glassware and excused myself so I could come type this and demonstrate to Michael Audrey's new suggestive dance move.

Just another night at the Turner casa.

Fredo was ticked to be blessed

Last Friday was the Blessing of the Animals at Christ the King. It's an annual event. Naturally, Audrey was dying for us to take Fredo. So we did.

I dropped of Auddie at school and waited in the parking lot for the blessing to start. Michael and Nina were bringing up the rear, with Fredo in tow. It's difficult to fully appreciate the scene of the blessing unless you've been to it. People bring horse trailers full of horses, ponies, dogs of all sizes, cats of all colors, goldfish, and stuffed animals. And the entire school is in an organized circle, with the animals.

So here's Fredo - a cool cat, for sure -- stuffed into a toy couture dog carrier that's soft-sided, features a small, mesh window, and is covered in shiny pink material. We got more comments on the carrier than we did the beautifully pissed cat inside of it.

Overall, though, I thought the blessing went really well. Fredo didn't hiss, nor did he try to swipe the noses of kindergartners who wanted to see him in his glitzy bag. I offered to take him home while Michael and Nina stayed to marvel at the other animals. And this was my first mistake.

I enjoy having Fredo in the car - it's like Mommy and Me time. He likes to sit on my lap after crawling all over the car, always careful to avoid the screaming banchee children who are usually riding in the back. Today, though, he and I enjoyed the relatively silent trip home. But then I started to gag.

Fredo's tummy was apparently a bit upset by the morning's events. He'd let a little SHART on the collar of my sweatshirt. Now, picture the proximity of the dot of poo to my nose. Picturing it? Yep, smells nice, doesn't it? Make you queasy? Yep, it should. I was. And I swore I smelled like crap all day long, even after I shed the sweatshirt.

But, the good news is that Fredo's blessed...in more ways than one.

three's company

This morning as I made the girls waffles (frozen ones - don't kid yourself), asked Audrey, "Do you need some syrup, Auddie?" Nina pipes up with, "What's syruppauddie?"

I replied, "What? Oh, no, I asked Audrey if she wanted syrup."
Nina continued, "But what's syrupauddie?"
Again, I tried to explain, "No, it's two different words. Syrup. Audrey."
Nina asked again, Yeah, but what's syrupauddie?"

Now Audrey has to join in the fun and confuse things more.

Audrey says (with eye roll), "Nina, remember when we went to the water park? (Now I'm keenly interested because I can't figure out which conversation Audrey's been listening to that'd make her think of the water park.)  I did the surfing body...'member?"

Now I'm exasperated. We went from a misunderstanding about syrup and Audrey being two different words in a sentence to Audrey saying I was referring to BODY SURFING (surfing body).

I just put my elbows on the counter and rested my head in my hands until the confusion died down.

the wrong kind of directions

I asked Nina tonight if she knew where the calculator was. She replied, "Umm, yeah...turn left, then take a right."

Nina's shopping list

Nina received a gift card to Target for her birthday. When asked what she was going to buy, she promptly replied, "Chicken."

the t.p. bride

Yesterday was really the first time Brittney's spent quality one-on-one time with my girls. She was overdue. After I'd been gone 15 minutes, Britt sends me a text: "I owe you a roll of t.p. I'll explain later." For those of you who know Britt, you can imagine the random thoughts that went through my head. But I knew the girls were in good hands. 
Here's what they were up to...

Making toilet paper bridal gowns, of course.










So Audrey got into character and strutted her stuff for the photographer.

Fierce.

FIERCE looks.
This is high fashion, folks. Expect nothing less.

And then she softened a bit...dreaming about the big day.

...and realized that a pose just isn't a pose without holding one of your feet and balancing against a dresser.










But then it was Nina's turn.

The design started simple.

But she wanted more...like a long, flowy skirt.

And lip gloss. LOTS of lip gloss.

Then it was time for her photoshoot.

And seeing herself in a full length mirror for the first time.

Then for a demonstration of the walk down the aisle.

Now for some casual shots.

totally relaxed bride.

Now for one minor adjustment...

YEP. The dog-like ears complete the veiled look.

But now it's time to trash the dress...












...and make Brittney wear the leftovers. (note the headpiece)

it's harder to wipe this way

This conversation was one of those times when I couldn't keep a straight face.

Audrey came into the office and said, "Mom, it's harder to wipe this way" (she stands, spreads her legs and uses her hand to motion wiping front to back). "It's easier to wipe this way" (yep, you guessed it, she demonstrates wiping back to front, which apparently goes from her backside all the way up to her chin).

She says it with such a serious face that I tried to contain my smirk. She was looking for approval from me, which I wasn't going to give (females understand). Rather, I nodded in understanding, but reinforced the need for her to keep trying.

Oy.

dad is funny, too

Our kids are obsessed with a CD Audrey got at a summer bible camp. The CD is called SonQuest Rain Forest (you have to know this part to get the humor in this). We wanted to hide it we were so tired of hearing it, so when I texted Michael today and said, "I'm gonna sell the kids," he replied, "Tell 'em you hid a brand new sunquestrainforest CD in the yard somewhere and finders keepers."

I laughed out loud (and I might try it).

Disclaimer: don't judge us for selling the kids jokes. We wouldn't really do that. We'd make a trade.

it's the truth, ruth

I pulled up to the Mocha Express drive thru window. Audrey shouts to the lady, "Her name is Andrea Turner and she loves coffee!"

letting any 'ol riff raff watch the kids

BFF Britt showed up at 2:00 to stay with the girls until Michael got home from work. After dropping off the diaper bag, she returned to her car for Brax and Audrey says incredulously, "She's your babysitter?!?!?!"

Poor Britt--she gets no respect.

Too much talking

Today when I picked up Audrey at school, she wasn't happy to see me. She wasn't ready to confess that she got in trouble at school.

Audrey (mad face, arms crossed): I don't want to tell you what I have to tell you.
Me: Well, it's best you just get it over with before I find out from someone else.
Audrey: I got in trouble at school. BUT, I didn't get sent to the principal's office (this said in earnest because she knows the principal would be the least of her worries.).
Me: What did you get in trouble for?
Audrey: Talking too much.
Me: Well, I used to get in trouble for that, too. And so did your grammy, so you come by it honestly. Tomorrow is a new day for you to start over and make sure you listen to your teacher.
Audrey: (silent. Then, as she's getting into the car...) I'm SO bummed about it.

Not sure if she's bummed she got in trouble or bummed she has to try not to talk tomorrow.

It's the little things

Audrey said enthusiastically today, "Mom, Mrs. Holom has the most AMAZING hanitizer (the Turner girls' shorthand for hand sanitizer). It smells like grapes."

I want some money

Audrey casually approached me with, "Mom, I want jobs." I replied, "Great! Like chores where you earn an allowance?"

Audrey: No, where I get money.
Me: Well, that's what an allowance is.
Audrey: Well, I want to go to our neighbors' houses (she gestures around her because we're in front of our house) and say, "Hi, I'm Audrey, and I want to get some money. Can I clean your house?"
Me: Oh. Maybe when you get older you can do that, but for now, you can work on cleaning parts of our house. Here, let's write down some chores you can do. (I start listing things like: feed Fredo, make bed, etc.)
Audrey: Um, Mom. Can you stop and listen to what I want to put on there?
Me: Sure.
Audrey: Like, I want to clean the bathrooms, sweep after Daddy mows the lawn, use that cleaner stuff for the bathrooms...

Now here's the funny part... Audrey HATES to pick up after herself. She's probably our laziest child when it comes time to clean, so I can't wait to remind her of this "I want to clean other peoples' houses" conversation in a few years. Oh, and she also wants to "like, walk people's dogs and stuff...just the little dogs, though."

This week was the circus, literally

This was one of those weeks when I almost cried a few times in the car, did cry at night after Michael got home, and then did those manic laughs late at night as I IM'd with Britt.

It seemed that each day, the car rides with the girls became more unbearable (note - I'm in the car at least a few hours out of every day between 7:30 and 1:30 as I act like the Ben Franklin Transit). The "conversation" in the car goes something like this...

Girls: Turn up the music, please. (I turn up the music).
Girls: Turn it up louder, Mom. (I glare at them for not using manners, but don't scold because they can't hear me anyway. Then I turn it up a bit more.)
Girls: (Shouting over music) MOM! Turn it down! I need to ask you something.
Me: Yes?
Girls: Where are we going?
Me: Same place we go every morning at this time -- Audrey's school.
Audrey: But I'm going to missss you...I can hardly stand it.
Nina: Don't be a baby, Audrey. Mom, turn the music up! (I turn the music back up. 1 minute goes by.)
Girls: Mom. Mom. Mom.
Me: (Turning music down) Yes?
Nina: Um, why Audrey have to go to school?
Me: Because she has to go every day now.
Nina: Where's my baby orajel?
Me: I don't know.
Nina: (In a huge whiney voice) BUT I NEED IT - I HAVE AN OWIE IN MY LIP!!! (I turn the music back up).
Audrey: Mom, turn the music down, please. (I oblige and add that I'm not turning it back up again because they keep asking me questions. Audrey's silent. Didn't really have a question. Now there's no music.)
Nina: Why are we going this way?
Me: It's the same way we always go.
Audrey: (Bugging Nina) Why is Nina wearing that today? Mom, you know what? (Then never answers her own question.)
Nina: Don't be mean Audrey! (Whiney voice. Then she pinches Audrey. Audrey cries, hits her back. I nearly veer off the road.)

We arrive at the first drop off of the day.

The navigator

We were returning from a quick trip to Tacoma and Audrey couldn't wait to get home. As soon as she saw Pasco in the distance, she pointed and shouted, "Land Hooooooo!"

It's really unfair to the weak

The Turners are officially part of the Christ the King/Sausage Fest...festivities. Michael and I are signed up for wine pouring (awesome gig for first-timers, thanks to my sis) and Audrey is anxious to take people's money for raffle tickets. She, of course, is after the coveted buttons students get when they sell at least 100 (or so I hear).


It's really unfair of me to send our three adorable girls door-to-door to sell the tickets, but that's exactly what I did. How can one deny those three pair of big blue eyes? They can't. They won't. I'm sure of it. They hit our next door neighbors up first and I spied from the sidewalk. Here's how it went down:

Grace is the negotiator. Audrey's the bank teller. Nina's the cherry on top -- the cute 'lil blondie wearing a dress.

Each girl takes a turn knocking - one knock just won't do. The door opens.

Grace kicks it off with an explanation of what they're selling. She even had me make notes to help her out.

Then Audrey fumbles through her bag of tickets and dollar bills she donated to the cause as her "change." Bank teller, I tell ya.

Nina's the wild card. She turns to me during the transaction and gives a cute wave, then crosses her arms and goes back to listening to her sisters close the deal. When the buyer leaves the doorway for a second, Nina turns around and yells, "They're going to get some money!" I cringe.

When the person returns and leaves again, Nina yells "They didn't have enough money...they're going to get more." Again, I cringe.

Despite Nina's rude yelling, the girls do, in fact, sell a ticket. And as they're walking back they pass me and Grace says flippantly, "You need to explain to Audrey that the money doesn't go to her."

Just another evening at the Turners.

So, who wants to buy a $1 raffle ticket???!?!?!?!?

So many posts, so little time

Audrey had some great ones today:

Headchecks
Only two days into the school year and we get a head lice warning note sent home. So tonight, after bath, I did the headcheck. As I was combing and parting, Audrey asked, "Any lice?" I replied, "Nope." She continued, "If you find food, ummm, just leave it in there."


Espanol in China
Audrey's been fascinated with China for quite some time. I don't know why. I told her today that my dad, her Papa D, was going to China later this month. Her eyes got wide and then she said, "He's not gonna understand a word they say 'cause they speak Spanish."


Blessed--in more ways than one
After school today, Audrey said dramatically, "Mom. Some girl today "bless you'd" all-over-me. It was SO gross. When I sneeze, I do this (demonstrates bringing the inside of her elbow to her mouth), but this girl did this (opened her arms wide and looked like she was throwing up everywhere).

our little patriot

Sent by Michael:

Nina during the National Anthem last night at the ballpark, salutin' the yooo-knighted states. Note: She even took off her shades for the song...out of respect and all.

a case of mistaken identity

We're at Famous Footwear. I'm looking at socks, Nina and Audrey are just behind me. I hear Nina say, "Look how tall I am!" Then Audrey, "And me! I'm taller!"

I turn around to see what they're measuring themselves against...

They stood on the base, back against the pole, just like they do at the doctor's office. Except there, they use this:

Honest mistake

Nina-ism

About Fredo, "He's a funny little pussy."

Audrey-isms

Throws herself on the bed tonight and dramatically says, "Ugh. I'm tireder than a horse."

Next, Michael tells her to brush her teeth. She walks into our bathroom and slowly pulls down her panties. Michael asks, "Audrey? What are you doing?"

She looks at him--dazed--and says, "I'm always in trouble." Michael says, "No, Auddie, you're usually a very good girl." She stands up straight, smiles and says, "Thanks for that."

as the world turns...at the Turners

First it started with Audrey being a real estate agent. She was showing the house to Grace and her daughter, Nina. Grace, it seemed, had just returned from having a baby at the hospital, so Audrey was showing her the selling points of the house. (awesome)

Then, Grace accused Audrey of trying to steal her baby. (guffaw!) Audrey stalked away in a huff, but still humming. Many doors slammed (I yelled about that one), then Grace ordered Audrey out of her house or, she threatened, "We will move!"

Stay tuned for the next segment...

bamboo, baboon, buffoons

We're talking about pets today. Audrey says, "You can have a pet bamboo." I asked what a bamboo is. She replied, "You know...a type of monkey that eats from its brother and sister's hair."

She meant a BABOON.

don't get in trouble at school...or else...

Audrey says to Grace, "If you get in trouble at school, the teacher doesn't smack you in the face. You're sent to the principal's office for that."

that's horrible

Nina's been using a new word - horrible. There are worse words she's used over and over (dammit, for one), but this one is particularly funny because she uses it opposite of its meaning.


Examples:

-Friends were coming over for dinner. She excitedly said, "Scott and Kylee are coming over? Tonight?" I replied, "Yes." She said with a big smile, "Huh-oh! That's horrible!"

-She saw a group of summer day camp kids walking to the park. "Hey, they're going to the park to eat ice cream! That's HORRIBLE!" (laughing)

love

Nina: Sometimes I don't love people. Like bad guys...and boring people.

oh Nina...please don't do this in public

Nina sitting to my left on the couch. She has her hand down the front of her shirt.

Me: Nina, what are you doing?
Nina: (she slightly turns her head to reply to my stupid question) Playing with my boobie. Cuz I want to.

'nuf said.

Nina...or Napoleon Dynamite?

Picture it: Nina's lying in bed on her back. I'm cuddled next to her, dreading the stalling that's sure to come at bedtime. I doze off, she awakes me to say in a Napoleon Dynamite-like voice, "Uh, I'm gonna potty in my pants." It's her way of saying in a non-request, non-stalling way, "I need to go to the bathroom."

Sigh

smart mouth at 5

I'd had it this morning. The girls had won every battle. I was so stinkin' tired of cleaning up after them. So when I saw them--again--dragging my shoes out of my closet so they could play dress-up, I blew a gasket.

"NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. Put 'em back. Get out of my closet. Close. The. Door."

Audrey dared to say politely, "Umm, Mom? This is actually Dad's closet, too. And...he pays for this house."

I had to give myself a timeout in the bathroom.

ahhh...memories

Some of my fondest memories of growing up are my Dad and I rockin' out to music. Janet Jackson, Paula Abdul, Shania Twain, Michael Jackson, Starship...even as I type them I'm laughing aloud. I'd coreograph a kickass routine for a talent show of some sort and my Dad would be my first audience. He'd coach me, "You're not smiling, Andrea!" God love him, I'm not sure how he kept a straight face during those performances.

So today, as I rocked out to my girls' Kidz Bop CD, I smiled because I know they thought I was the coolest mom--EH-VER.

I'm stuck

Twice today Nina said, "Mom, I stuck."

First, it was at Walmart. Her foot was caught in the front of the cart and I'd been dragging her. Obviously she wasn't hurting because it took her a while to speak up, but when she finally did, I had to work hard at getting her foot out.

The second and last time was as she watched a movie. She was copying her big sister and turned a leaf-shaped seat (thanks Papa D) over so that she had her butt in the space between the bottom of the seat and the legs of the leaf chair. And she was completely wedged in there. When I pulled her hands/arms, the leaf chair came with her. Thankfully I didn't have to use butter...or peanut butter...to clean up the mess.

snot

Nina yelled in the backseat, "Audrey, stop being a snot."

Audrey: "Where did you learn that word?"
Me: "Yeah, where did you hear that?"

Nina: "Walmart."

the Petal Girl

I was dreading the moment Audrey found out that there was a flower girl in the wedding...and it wasn't her. Auddie's been dying to be a flower girl. "But Moooom...all of your friends are married. I'm never gonna have a chance to be a flower girl." (whiny voice)

So I wasn't surprised when she pulled me aside at the rehearsal dinner. She had me sit on the couch, away from the crowd, and she said seriously, "Mom, she's the flower girl." Talla, an innocent flower girl, walked by and said, "I'm the flower girl and my brother is the ring boy."

Audrey, exasperated, said, "Um, that's a ring bear-er." Then, looking at me, "Mom, she doesn't even know how to say it...how can she be a flower girl and I'm not?"

I hid my smile and assured her the wedding would still be fun.

During the ceremony, I snuck a peek at Audrey and she was excitedly giving Talla the thumbs up sign, signaling she was doing a good job being a "petal girl."

"You don't look how you're supposed to look, Mom"

I came out of my room dressed and ready to go to the store. Audrey says innocently, "Did you already put makeup on, Mom?" I replied, "Well, kindof. Not much. Do I look ok?" Audrey: Well, no. I think you need more. You don't really look like you're supposed to.

keep your feet to yourself

I'm sitting on the couch in the middle of the girls. Nina puts her feet across me and, of course, touches Audrey. Audrey says exasperated, "NINA! Don't put your feet on my pretty face!"

goodwill

I was on the front porch sipping iced tea. I had a People mag in one hand, my blackberry in another. Next to me...a delicioso treat a friend made (I'm certain it was her last ditch effort to guilt me to the gym).

The girls were supposed to be riding their bikes. I was paying attention - honestly. They were moving the bikes out of the garage...there were helmets...then a wagon...

(sip of tea. bite of treat. look up.)

I see three bikes, four helments, and a few boxes.

(sip of tea. check the bberry. scoff at the mag--nothing too juicy in it this time. look up.)

The pile has grown. It now includes clothes, a child's bench, six glass thingies, four water wings, some books, and skates. And Nina's standing near the pile, waving and greeting her...customer, Audrey. Audrey is pulling a wagon full of more stuff and Nina welcomes her to Goodwill.

Awesome. At least they've learned a thing or two from being home with me.

"What's wrong with it?!?!?!?"

Me: Auddie, wow, your hair...
Auddie: (exasperated) What's wrong with it? (hands on hips)
Me: Nothing. Let me take a picture.

Hello, my name is...

After dropping off Audrey at church camp yesterday (saw lots of people), I ran a couple of errands (saw more people), then visited my mom at her work.

Mom: Andrea, what's that?
My thought bubble: (that's never a good sign)
Mom: Honey, your bra tag is hanging out the back.

Mind you, this isn't the small, inner tag that you dig to find in your bra. This is the Victoria's Secret "dog tag"-like thing that sports your size and the outrageous (altho worth it - thanks, B) price you paid for the support.

So, I'm calling it my new nametag. Instead of "Hello, my name is..." I'll be more forthright than many people and just tell them my over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder size.

all that glitters

I'm the only one who cleans Fredo's litter box. Shocking, I know. I paid Audrey $3 once to do it for one night when Michael and I were out of town and Grammy stayed with the girls. Bless her heart, Auddie tried really hard, but my mom said she was gagging so bad she got only one scoop done. I still paid her.

As I scooped the never-ending piles this morning (with Fredo watching, as always, standing next to the box), Nina watched, too, and asked, "You putting more glitter in there, Mom?"

Glitter?

She meant Litter. :-)

another insult

Audrey whined this morning from the couch, "Mom, I wanna kiss." I went to the couch and leaned down to give her a peck.

She smiled and said, "Every morning you smell like something...like "bed"...or maybe skunk.

Audrey turns 5

Audrey started off her birthday by opening presents at 6:15 a.m. Then she had an action-packed day, including lunch at Red Robin where she made sure every single person working there knew that it was her birthday (had to make sure they sang to her). I let her stay up a little later than usual so she could watch a new video and as I put her to bed that night she said, "Mom, I'm still 5 right?" Me: "Yes." Audrey: "4 is in the trash for me!"

uncertainty

Uncertainty. It's something some people thrive on, but for others, like me, it brings nothing but anxiety. Well, for the most part. I like not knowing exactly where I'm eating out when we're on vacation. I can take that kind of uncertainty. But the rest I can do without.

Vacation: Turner Style

This year's first little getaway was typical in many ways--tears, drama, adventure, exhaustion, and lots of snacking. All of this, of course, was done by our three girls. Two particular noteworthy comments from Audrey are:

-to Michael, "I need to work on you," because he didn't understand what she was trying to ask him.

-to Me, "Oh, please. I already knew that."

-to Me, on the drive home, after I yelled at them for driving me nuts. Me: Sorry to yell, but you girls haven't been listening very well. (Brief pause) Audrey: Hey! That rhymes!

From Nina:

-to Me, as she points to the beach, "That's da BAY. Not the river. My daddy told me. It's da bay."

"I'm doing it! I'm doing it! I'm doing it!"

The irony of tonight's bike lesson was not lost on me. I can't ride a bike, yet I was teaching my almost five year-old how to ride one. I like to compare our lessons to the Berenstain Bears book, "The Bike Lesson," where Papa Bear wants to demonstrate all of the how-to's to Brother Bear before he lets him ride the bike. The problem is, Papa Bear is dangerous on a bike and ends up showing his son everything you shouldn't do.

I'm not that bad--yet--but maybe that's because I'm not stupid enough to think I could demonstrate anything. I can, however, hunch over, hold the back of her bike seat, and run along side her. The best part of tonight's lesson were her chants to herself, "I'm doing it! I'm doing it! I'm doing it!"

Bless her heart. Maybe she'll let me ride in her side car once she ditches the training wheels.

sticky situation

I couldn't get comfortable in the movie theater seat. I crossed and uncrossed my legs. I sat with one leg tucked under me. I even dared to almost cuddle with my friend sitting next to me.

The movie ended and as I stood up, I made a gross discovery: the rock-like thing in my cute metallic sandals was a piece of gum. Someone else's gum. From a long time ago. It was grey.

Worse yet, it was smeared along the entire side of my shoe, as well as the bottom of it so that as I walked, one foot stuck to the floor. I tell my friends about it in the lobby...they try not to gag, but they laugh because they're thankful it's happening to me and not them.

It gets worse.

I'm driving home and realize I'm sticking to my car's seat. During the "tuck the leg under me" during the movie, I'd worked the grey gum into the right butt cheek of my jeans...and now I was transferring it to my car.

I used a plastic butter knife this morning to scrape off the gum. Audrey watched, of course, and made me feel like an ass.

refocusing

Grace was holding "summer camp" upstairs this morning. Campers Audrey & Nina had sign in sheets and a busy day of activities ahead. About half an hour into it, as Grace was leading the campers to the backyard (clipboard in hand) for soccer drills, Nina stopped to chat with me.

"I've been facing the corner of the room," she said with a pouty lip. "I don't even know what that means."

She walked away, leaving me confused.

Later, Audrey walks in and says loudly, "We've been at camp and Nina had to be reee-focused this morning" (a nice way of saying she was in trouble and put in the corner).

first "communick"

I returned from the grocery store to a very excited Audrey. She said happily, "We have a First Communick for you." To some of you, this will be a surprise. But to those who know Audrey, it is not.

Allow me to rewind a couple of months.

My niece, Anya, had her First Communion a couple of months ago. Audrey, our 'lil bible thumper, was fascinated by the service and had many questions afterward. She was also vehemently opposed to eating the bread when she had to do First Communion someday. "Don't worry about it now," I'd tell her.

So here we are today...in the backyard. Two lawn chairs are set up on one end of the yard--these are our seats. There's a clear aisle, marked by rocks on the lawn (much to Michael's chagrin). At the end of the aisle, a nice blanket where Grace will begin the service by playing the triangle. In the background, a Norah Jones song about "...the way you touch me."

After the triangle playing, Audrey precedes down the aisle, dropping bits of paper (Michael groaned again). Obviously not something done during a First Communion, but this is Audrey's version and given her affinity for flowergirl duties, the "petal" dropping is added.

Then comes Nina, an apple in one hand (she takes bites every few seconds), performing a dance. Imagine extreme lunging, arms outstreched...and a somersault after she sits the apple on the concrete.

As the dancing continues, Grace presents a certificate of First Communion to Audrey, and then Audrey returns the gesture. Nina is still dancing.

Audrey announces, "Now it's time for the bread and milk." Grace appears with a plastic cup of water and some crackers and the audience (Michael and I) are invited to participate in Communick, as Audrey calls it.

The end.

Oh, and there were programs. Cross drawn on the front, names of the recipients on the back. Very nice.

funny story

Michael and I took a much-needed one-night getaway to Portland. On the way, he says, "Did I tell you about the teachers at Grace's school yelling 'NO POLE DANCING?"

Me: "Um, no."
Michael: "Yeah, some of the girls were using the tetherball pole as a dancing prop and the teachers would yell at them."
Me: "Nice."

Did I mention this is happening at a grade school? DOH!

just another weekend morning at the Turners

The setup:  Michael's mowing the lawn--girls not allowed outside. I'm ready to get in the shower, so I give the usual "don't do anything for the next 15 minutes, girls" warning. I undress in our bedroom...and hear the front door open and close. And I know it wasn't Michael.

So I run out of the room, doing a terrible job of covering my top and bottom parts with my hands and arms. I get to the front door and realize I can't just open the door when I'm stark naked. So I grab a nearby jacket of Michael's. It's black and waist length. You get the picture. Since the bottom half of me is stille exposed, I decide to crouch to the left of the door as I open it.

Now, imagine you're standing outside, witnessing this scene. You see a woman huddled by her door, wearing only a black jacket, crazy-ass bed head hair, yelling for her kids.

After three good shouts over the noise of the mower, I look up and Michael's staring at me from the porch -- giving me the "OMG, Andrea, what are you doing?" look. I weakly say, "I'm getting the girls."

He rolls his eyes, the girls come inside, and I hang up the jacket before going back to the shower. Just another morning at the Turners.

"You want chicken & fries?"

Nina and I were at Walgreens' pharmacy. There's plexi-glass dividers, of sorts, where you're supposed to form a line. Much to Nina's delight, there was space between the bars and glass, so she could stick her head through and ask for someone's "order."

I'm at the counter paying when I hear her ask someone, "You want chicken & fries?" I hope that person has or had children so they can use their imagination and figure out what she was role playing.