a comment that'll stop you in your tracks

Audrey: Mom, look! Dad's juggling his hard balls!

(Michael was, indeed, juggling baseballs)

round-up of funnies from today

This morning I pour Audrey a bowl of Trix cereal. I get it kind of full, so I ask, "Is this too much?"

"No," she says. "Well, maybe I'll take a bit out." She takes exactly 3 tiny balls of trix out.

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As I made Nina's waffles while wearing my Snuggie, she says, "Don't get your Snuggie sleeves in my waffles."

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Tonight, Nina heard someone say Justin Bieber's name on the TV. Her eyes grow wide and she says, "He's amazing."

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Audrey brings me a chapstick, gives me a kiss and says, "Happy Birthday, Mom." I said, "Thanks...a used chapstick for me, huh?" She replies, "No, it's for Nina. I found it under your car."

Only the best for her little sis.

a surprise within

As I opened my b-day chic Snuggie, I found a huge piece of cardboard inside of it (see picture). Nina's comment: "Whoa. That would have been itchy."

Or painful, or stiff, or cut me in half.

my chic birthday gift

Michael and the girls woke me at 6:00 a.m. today, singing Happy Birthday. Audrey's smile couldn't have been bigger as she and Nina carried the boot-box-size gift to me. They unwrapped it, of course, and inside was ...wait for it... a chic, zebra print SNUGGIE. I didn't even know they made Snuggies in animal prints. I'm obviously living in the dark ages.

Audrey's been dying for a Snuggie, so she was anxious to get me into it. After finally finding the arm holes, I put it on, stood up, and thought, "Well, this sucks. It doesn't even keep you warm in the front."

I had it on backward.

This faux pas leads me to the point of this blog entry, which is 5 Seriously Chic Ways--and situations in which-- to Wear Your Snuggie.

Before I reveal the secrets to the chicness, here's a picture of it:

I'm sure the first thing you'll notice is that it can obviously be worn as an evening gown. Think J-Lo's loooowww cut green gown years ago, except mine is cut low (ok, open) in the back and it's black & white. And I don't have J-Lo's rockin' body.

Now, if you turn the Snuggie back around (wear it incorrectly), voila--you have yourself a queen's cape.

While making Nina waffles, I stumbled upon the third great way to wear the Snuggie frock:

I just threw the train over my shoulder and pinned a lovely flower on it.

I could almost pass for Coming to America's King of Zamunda:

The other flair I like to add to it is similar to the evening dress, but I simply add a belt and move the flower down:

Don't be jealous, ladies. But also don't ask to borrow it. Get your own.



singing into light stands

Audrey and Nina were bored, so they wanted me to take a few pictures of them in my "studio." A few light stands were set up, so they decided to do an impromptu singing performance, too. Check it out...

the smackdown

I picked up Audrey from school and noticed a slight difference in her smile--something only her mom would notice.

"Audrey?" I said, "It looks like you may have chipped one of your teeth a bit. Do you remember anything happening to your mouth today? Does it hurt?"

"No, it doesn't hurt," she said. Then she was quiet for a couple of minutes.

Suddenly she said, "OH! I did smack my face on the bleachers during P.E. today. But I didn't cry."

smarty pants

Audrey was telling some story in the car and when I replied, "Yep, you're right, Auddie." She said with a straight face, "I'm always right. (pause) 1+4=6."

pee in a cup

I was at a lab recently having blood drawn, and I also had to give a urine sample. Unfortunately, I had Nina with me. Leaving her in the company of a not-so-friendly phlebotomist wasn't an option, so she had to join me in the bathroom.

I knew it would be eventful.

She asked, "What are you doing?" I replied, "I have to give a urine sample, which means I have to pee in this cup."

Her eyes got wide and she said, "You're going to DRINK your pee?"

I dreaded taking her to preschool that morning. I could only imagine what she'd share with her class.

I'm just sayin', it isn't that easy

One of the things I've never wanted to hear from doctor is "I'll need a stool sample."

Oy. Um, no thanks.

She follows it up with, "Don't worry. It's easy."

No it isn't. I found out today just how difficult it is.

I picked up my stool collection kit this morning. Just your typical Wed...drop off the kids, get a coffee, pick up a fecal matter collection swab. Again I was told "it's easy."

I returned to my kid-free house, knowing that if I was going to do it (the big collection), now was the time. Nina wouldn't be staring at me, asking a million questions, and Audrey wouldn't be yelling from the living room, "Mom, can I have an apple." Both of which would be unwanted distractions during the poo harvest.

I took a deep breath and opened the kit. One large baggy, one very small baggy, a curious folded square of toilet seat cover-like paper, a small square of soft paper, an envelope (yeah, like I'll mail it), and a tube and wand that reminded me of Nina's bubbles.

I had three sets of directions - all for different parts of the process.

Neat.

The bubble wand is what I use to scrape the poop, then I put it back into the bottle of bubble juice. Here's the thing: do you realize how much thought has to go into exactly how you get to the point where you can scrape with said wand?

For example, one set of directions addressed the large folded toilet seat cover. Turns out you actually lay it over your toilet seat and you poop on top of it. YEP. On top of it. And step 3 (I think - things are a bit fuzzy now) reminds you to scrape BEFORE THE POOP HITS THE WATER.

Hmmm...

I pondered all of this before starting because it seemed important. I don't know about you, but prior to #2, #1 usually makes an entrance. This, my friends, would make the toilet seat cover-thingy start to sink into the toilet before you can poop on it...and before you can make the eventful scrape.

So for those of you who will have to have this awesome colon screening in the future, I'll give you a few hints about how to make this go smoothly.

Go #1 first. Wipe and flush.

Lay puppy pad (toilet seat cover thingy) on toilet seat, go #2. BUT NOT TOO MUCH! You have to rise , grab bubble wand, turn around with your nose in the toilet and scrape quickly. Yep, it smells gross. I'm not kidding when I say that it's as if the poop knows when you have enough on your wand - the puppy pad falls quicly after that. Game over. You'd better have gotten what you came for.

So now you sit back down and stare at the wand that you have to put back into the bubbles. And now I see that the head of the bubble tube is very small, so when you push the wand back in - it can get a little messy, if you know what I mean. Aaack.

Now you take the soft absorbent pad, wrap the bubbles in it, then put the entire package into the small baggy. Then insert baggy into envelope, which has a return address label that I would never -- EVER -- actually put my address on.

It's worth mentioning at this point, that the instructions about the puppy pad explicitly say it's biodegradeable and should be flushed. Well, it clogged my toilet. So now I have a poop-sample-in-an-envelope, my cat's paw clawing my direction from under the bathroom door, and a rising bowl of unfresh toilet water.

I'm proud of myself because I didn't throw up my hands in frustration. I just grabbed a plunger, yelled at the cat and dropped off my smelly sample at the lab.

Ahhh...Happy Wednesday.

today's round-up

Nina: My panties aren't well (sad face). When I looked at the situation, she had a severe wedgie because she put the undies on incorrectly.

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Audrey: Sometimes I overreact. Like when my legs itch, I do this (rubs her legs back and forth really fast).

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I catch Nina eating a booger (or at least I thought that's what I saw).

Me: NINA! You better not be eating a booger from your finger.
Nina: (indignant) NO. I got it from my head (and points to the top of her head).

decade day

This week at CK the kids have themed dress up days. Today is Decade Day. Audrey considered the 70s because "that's when Jimmy (Hendrix) was here," but we settled on the 80s. As I was doing her hair, I asked what the dot was on her nose. "It's a scab. They had those in the 80s, right?"

On the way to school, she serenaded me with I Love Rock & Roll and then We Three Kings and Joy to the World.